Let's talk zombies

Apropos of nothing: Let's talk zombies.

I have been watching the zombie shows and some of the movies and even reading some zombie books over the last couple years and I have a few questions that others seem unable to answer.

1). In almost every zombie story, the walking dead are moaning or grunting or rasping or some such. Ok, so I can see this in the recently undeceased according to certain canon wherein the need for fresh brains keeps them shuffling along and therefore, in their extremely lowered IQ brains, this is articulated through freshly dead lungs and larynx as "braaaaains!"

Cool cool cool.

But, in most of the modern versions of zombie lore, there is no need for brains, just some rabies-like urge to nibble on the living. No need to scream about brains when you, as an undead, are fine with an elbow or the occasional spare rib.

And, in addition to that, most modern zombies are well past their sell by date. Rarely do you see or read about super fresh zombies with all their parts intact, flesh bits and throat chunks all in place to have the ability to moan about anything.

So, my major question with zombie stuff currently is how or why do the zombies all make the rasping, groaning, grunting noises?

I can't freaking figure it out! It's sort of driving me crazy, this question.

-Zombies don't breath, so there is no air in the lungs

-Zombies are driven primarily by some residual lizard brain hunger, no need to grunt

-Zombies are hunters, why alert the prey?

-A high percentage of modern zombies are so desiccated they don't physically have the parts with which to make these throat and mouth noises

Serrrsly, drives me nuts thinking about it.

2). Why do zombies even have this primal urge to eat?

I mean, if you think about it, it doesn't make sense unless you think about newly undead as if they are newly born. Newborns are super hungry and pissed off, so maybe that's it.

But yo, there are a lot of other primal urges too that zombies don't seem to share;

Pooping, peeing, thirst, and sex come to mind. You never see a zombie orgy with libations and crap piles lying around...

3). I will leave it at three for now, cause otherwise this thing goes on too long and I am quite sure the reader's attention span has ceased long ago with my zombie rants.

If zombies are propelled by their faulty undead brains, at what point in their decay does the brain no longer function even in the most rudimentary way?

Why doesn't high heat (melting the brains) work?

Why doesn't electrocution work (cooking the brains)?

Why doesn't severe decay work (when the rest of the zombie is basically a skeleton, dry and dusty, the brain would, I assume, be so too)?

Answer me people. ANSWER ME!

Eye Catching!

I was just reading a thing the other day about how to write the perfect blog post.

The first point is to make an eye-catching title, cause without that, no one is going to look any further anyway.

There was stuff in there about bullet points and breaking it up into pieces and something something something...oh...relatable?  Whatever.  The title thing got me though.

Eye Catching!

So...but, literally, right? Maybe if it's the actual title (not literally as in it will literally catch your eye...that would be ground for a lawsuit and probably impossible with current technology...) is that enough?

• write about something relatable
• like frog rains?
• cat whiskers?
• baby farts?
• um, use bullet points
• to make it look like digestible information
• always remember to make at least two points per bullet shape, otherwise there's no point to the....point (see what I did there?)

oh dude.  I have always been iffy on the outlines as is.  

Next thing I remember is about putting in the perfect image to illustrate your topic.  Well, considering I am (bullet point) too lazy to figure out inserting pictures and (bullet point) think that a post about writing a blog serves as the very image to illustrate writing a blog (SO META!); eff that.

Digestible chunks.

ok, so, mission accomplished? 

yeah.  Let's say that.  Mission accomplished.

Boom! blog post to go down in history, yo!

(but now I am seriously thinking about technology that would allow the user to physically pluck someone's eye viewing the screen...something akin to the creepy Japanese kissing machine connected via the interwebz?  Now I've squicked myself out...bleh...mechanical, remote-control tonguing...shudder.)

Fortunately I do not have to rely on these things for my ego or my paycheck so I can just sort of, um, "write" stuff here with crappy content, lame-o titles, no bullet points ever, and excuses about the image of letters on screen being the most poignant picture needed for a blog entry on blog entries....and digestible chunks.  I just like saying, "digestible chunks," makes me think of fondue, for some reason.

And! I can be a scatter-brained widget.  Hurray!

And! I can use a lot of exclamations....though it appears, after reading tons of other people's blogs, that using tons of exclamations doesn't really drive readers away.  hm.

Random thought of the moment, "ohmygawd...it's still February" yeesh.

Welcome to the boring, rattling-beans-in-can blog post of the inside of my mind.  Thank you for reading to the end.  I leave you with....nothing! (Eye Catching!) 

• I give you
• permission
• to vacate
• the premises

• Adios Muchachas