self-defeatist dreams

I have had two dreams in two nights in a row that seemed rather like I have some sort of inferiority complex.

1). Dream one was the other night and I was in a Top Chef competition.  At first, I was proud of myself for having made it to compete with all these other talented chefs.  I was slicing and dicing and showing off my skill and sweating over saute pans and such.  I was talking s**t with the other chefs and stressing over menus and flavor profiles and so on.  At some point, I felt myself slipping back and falling into the weeds...getting behind and finding it tough to make up the difference.  Sweat was dripping off my nose and I was feeling the stress get to me with shaky hands and weird decision-making.  But I kept up, even if barely.

Then came the "talent round."  I was sitting there, planning out another dish and menu when I realized the talent round meant we actually had to show off our talent at something and do it as a group.  I think we divided ourselves up into the performers and the planners.  I got myself put on the planning side of things, as I know my own strengths and they certainly don't lie in public performance.  I had only a marginal part in this planning thing, like, writing out a couple words or something and not really part of putting together the big picture.  I wasn't even really sure what they would do.

The curtain rolled back on a stage and I was in the back of this gymnasium like auditorium somewhere (we'd been having our cook-offs there as well).  This totally involved musical play thing started up with intricate dancing and singing and acrobatics and artistically intriguing set design and costumes.  I was totally blown away and it was then that the horror of my situation set in.  I totally knew I was out of my depth.  I knew, absolutely, that I did not belong there with all these amazingly talented, creative, outgoing people.  I saw them doing this elaborate play/mime/interpretive dance and knew I could never have come up with anything that creative and I had no idea how it had been done.

As I stood there sort of inwardly crying for myself, the other shoe dropped and I was shocked to remember or realize that this was just the regionals for the show.  This wasn't even the actual Top Chef show!  This was just for the East Bay or something.  Even if I made it through this round, I would have to go up against more and more talented people from all over the country and the world.  I was terrified at the very magnitude of the situation and how insignificant and crappy my own skills were.  I had no idea, then, how I had even gotten in to this first group and that my skills and intellect were totally dwarfed by what I was witnessing.  It was pretty devastating and I woke up wondering really what my place in life was worth.

In thinking hard on this dream, I had the odd reflection that even though I felt completely overwhelmed by the creativity and talent of others...my brain had actually come up with the whole concept of this super awesome dance, play, musical, art thing...and...like, that kind of goes against the logic of me not having enough creativity to match these people...self-defeatist.  weirdo.

2). The second one was jumbled, but what I remember is that there was a summer camp (most of my dreams seem to occur in some sort of institution or group setting) with cabins.  I was pretty happy-go-lucky here, showing my camp-mates how to do little things (I guess they were new, and I had pretty much done this before) like start fires or make their beds.  Then I decided to show off my personal skill...that of flying.

I tend to fly a lot in dreams.  I love it.  Whenever I get the chance, I fly.  For some reason, it takes a lot of muscle control to fly in my dreams.  Like, I have to tense up every muscle in a certain way to lift off ground and to maneuver.  Most of the time, when I fly, it is at low altitudes and to get around whatever Victorian manor/girls academy or school or prisoners' work camp or what-have-you faster than others and to show off my skill.

This time flying, I was trying to show them what I could do and teach them how to do it too.  We went outside to a low hill between two of the cabins and I instructed them that they might want to get a running start to build up momentum and then fly off the hill, like a para glider, perhaps (though this hill was only, probably a couple of feet tall).  I went to show them, confident of my ability and ran off the hill, tensing my muscles and...Blam! I landed in a belly flop with my arms at my sides in the dust at the bottom of the hill.  I heard calls from the top of the hill as to whether or not I was ok and also some laughter.

Now, if this had been in the previous dream, I would have fallen to bits and told myself I was not good enough and gotten depressed and angry at myself for showing off or thinking I could do such an awesome thing.  I kind of knew that the hill-rise was too low to have given me enough lift really and instead, this time, I sort of started laughing to myself and built up enough energy to raise my body a couple inches off the ground and skim it as I continued flexing to build more momentum to get more altitude.  I thought it was hilarious that I was only flying a couple inches off the ground and must look so bizarre, face down, arms at my sides as I sped off over the field.  I woke up amused at the situation and my reaction to it.

Two self-defeatist dreams, two different reactions.  I am glad I was more comfortable with my own limitations and could see the humor in them by the second one...makes for a happier day awake, for sure.